Alice Parker walked down the narrow hall of her old house looking for something to do. The windows were flawless, she just vacuumed, and there was no dust. Frustrated she turned around and strode back to the sparkling living room she had already sanitized. While looking around she sat on the fluffy tan couch. The large TV was dusted, the wooden floor mopped, the sliding glass doors spotless. She stood up and walked to the kitchen on the right. Nothing to cleanse here either.
Alice had all ready cleaned every inch of the small house, there wasn’t much left to do. She thought about watching TV, or reading a book but decided on heading out instead. Kris’s bar would be empty on a Monday,
‘I probably should see what Krista is up to’ she thought and slowly walked towards her bedroom, which wasn’t all that exciting to be honest, a king sized bed a desk, bedside table and a bookshelf. Nothing special.
As she rummaged through her walk in closet. She didn’t want to wear something that said she was trying to impress someone. So she decided on the usual purple tank top and faded blue jeans. Before leaving the house she quickly checked her appearance in the mirror by the front door, her long dark blond hair hung loosely down her back and shoulders, her exotic green eyes had just a hint of what looked like a mixture of colors making them stand out more. Her cheek’s were slightly flustered and her lips had an unusual red to them. She looked amazing. She quickly ran her fingers through her hair, grabbed her keys and headed out the door.
Her car was parked in the gravel drive on the right side of the white house. She still couldn’t get over the horrific accident even after four years. Her parents were gone and the one thing they had left her was the ancient house.
Alice usually has a horrible time when she goes out but tonight will different. She will ignore all of the assholes while having a drink or two. Then she will drive back home take a shower, crawl into her bed and drift off to a dreamless sleep. Well that was her plan.
She started her car, turned up the radio, and drove down her long drive to the main road. There were few cars, all driving the opposite direction she was going. She pulled onto the street and drove a mile on the scenic rout to the bar.
She pulled into the Kris’s Bar and found a place close to the front to park. She neatly got out of the car and looked around. There were a few cars outside the rustic bar. Good not too may people. She slowly walked up to the front door and took a deep breath. ‘Well here I go’. She swung open the heavy door and walked inside looking around, it was like walking into an old western movie. Five out of the fifteen ancient tables were filled, and sitting at the short bar was a dark man looking down at his drink. She slowly wove her way to the other end of the bar and sat down thinking about what she wanted to drink.
Krista the owner of the bar smiled and waved signaling she would be with her in a minute. Alice grabbed her purse rummaged around and found a ten dollar bill. Krista was there when she looked up.
“What can I get you?” Krista asked with a smile.
“A Screwdriver please?”
“Sure just a sec.” She turned around and started mixing the drink with a little hop to her step. Looking over her shoulder she asked. “What have you been up to?”
“Oh!” Surprised she was talking to me again. “Nothing really. Just sitting around the house. I got bored so I decided to go out.”
“So you have a date?” She observed. Acting like our argument the other day didn’t happen.
“Nope sorry,” Alice paused then added, “What have you been up to?”
“Just work. Oh hey, did you hear about Jake Lessly?” Her eyebrows rose and the corners of her lips twitched.
“Nope.”
“He got into a big fight with his girlfriend and ended up in the hospital.” Krista replied eager to tell me the new town gossip.
“What? How did that happen?” More surprised then she thought she would be.
“I hear Bell walked in on him with another woman. Instead of getting pissed at the chick, she beat the **** out of him,” She laughed. “He has a broken arm, two broken ribs, and his collar bone is fractured.”
Choking on her drink Alice asked, “What? Who was he with?”
“I think it was Darcie Gray… but I am not sure.”
“Is Jake going to press charges?” She asked rubbing her throat.
“Yes, I think he did but no one knows where she is.” Leaning closer and checking to see if anyone was listening in she whispered, “The police have been looking for her and her family doesn’t know where she is.”
“Do you think he did something to her?” Alice whispered back.
“I don’t know but there a
“I don’t know but there are a lot of people that think Darcie did.”
“Darcie? Really? I got the impression she was a little sweetie.”
“I know me too. But the other day she came in here with some really creepy guy and she looked horrible.”
Asked by:Sandra P
I think this is an amazing start! But, first and foremost, never (I repeat, NEVER) post anything online like, song lyrics or stories and so forth. Because people can just copy and paste and no one will ever know a thing.
It would be easier to mark it like a draft hahaha, so I will just give you a few heads up, below:
Check your punctuation and some spelling.
At one point, you said something as if the story was written from Alice’s point of view. which i guess it is, but it is not like ‘I did this, I said that’ do you know what I mean?
There was something else but I forgot haha.
I think the best thing that you can do is print it out or send it to some of your friends and get them to give you feedback, because they can tell you specific things that you should change and so forth.
I really do like this though
I’d love to read the rest of this!
Hope this helped (:
its very good.
i like they way you introduce alice and i like the picture in my head that i get of her while reading. i realy like that intro up to her heading out the door. that was excellent.
i would also have to say that you should not post this on here. people look for ideas all the time. you could write a good novel and you need to protect your intelectual property.
your writing is much better than alot of the stuff on here.
just make sure you check you stay consistent with your narrative. i think the above mentioned it.
a good editor will help correct you anyway. just make sure you can write a whole story at the same calibre from start to finish.
I’d have to disagree with the other two that have commented.
While i do believe that your writing is at a mature level, there are a few things that i wanted to point out.
I think the first two paragraphs are unnecessary. They didn’t grab me into the story. You mentioned the character’s name in the first sentence and her description in the fourth paragraph so it doesn’t leave us wondering which would have been a good idea. A character looking in the mirror and describing themselves is used so often and it becomes tiresome. I, myself have done this and plan to change it. You want us to find little bits about the character as we progress through the first few chapters. Its what makes a great story compared to a good one.
I’ve noticed you describe things in too muchg detail. For eg “She neatly got out of the car and looked around.” and “She slowly walked up to the front door.” These are things that make the story weak, in my opinion. We know that people get out of the car and walk to the front dooe. In fact, the whole trip to the bar could have been taken out and the story could have started at the bar.
I think your dialogue is well written. Just little things like “I think it was Darcie Gray…but I am not sure”- people don’t usually talk like that, so you could have changed it to “…but I’m not sure”- it does make a difference to the flow of the story.
So yeah. The tips would be:
- have an attention grabbing beginning
- introduce info about the character’s appearance and personality slowly-keep the reader wondering and guessing, but not for too long.
- delete unnecessary information
I hope this helps. I wan’t truying to be harsh, just honest. Good luck.
The story is good. describing the cleaning the windows were flawless sparkling and sanitized the spotless doors can be left out. there was little traffic instead of a few car and opposite direction get rid of Her parents horrific death and use still thinks about the accident that took her parents life 4 yrs pulled into parking lot instead of kris bar .and near the entrance instead of near by get rid of neatly out of the car use she got out She worked her way instead of wove This is my Opinion i hope it helps.
It’s a good story. You are a good writer.
But you are very straightforward with your writing. It’s like you are just telling the audience exactly what happens. You need to be more descriptive. Show them, do not tell them. For example.
Alice Parker walked down the narrow hall of her old house looking for something to do. The windows were flawless, she just vacuumed, and there was no dust. Frustrated she turned around and strode back to the sparkling living room she had already sanitized. While looking around she sat on the fluffy tan couch. The large TV was dusted, the wooden floor mopped, the sliding glass doors spotless. She stood up and walked to the kitchen on the right. Nothing to cleanse here either.
Could become;
The old house creaked with weathered age, it’s untouched beauty haunting yet delicate. Making her way through the peaceful quiet, Alice Parker scanned left and right, desperate for something to break the monotony, yet nothing came of it. The windows pristine windows mocked her and the layer of dust was now nonexistent. Glacing at the vacuum a few feet away she knew there was no point in vacuuming again. Nevertheless, a crinkle appeared in her usually soft forhead, her lips pursing somewhat. Turning sharply, Alice strode back to the living room she had left only moments ago. There was no change. It was still sanatised. Glistening. Perfect. The light tan couch beckoned her weary body. Collapsing in it, her eyes flicked around the room, once more. No dust graced the large TV. The wooden floorboards still glistened from where it was mopped. The elegent glass door was so clear, it looked almost non-existent. Scowling now, she rose and strode to the kitchen through a door on the right. Upon arriving she realised with a pang, nothing to cleanse here either.
Yeah, it makes the story longer but it is more compelling to the audience.
Again, you are a great writer, please continue with this story!!!
Good luck.