Tell me anything that is wrong and tell me how to fix it. Please and Thank You.
I walked down the narrow hall of my old house looking for something to do. The windows are clean, I just vacuumed, and there is no dust. Frustrated I turned around and walked back to the sparkling living room I already cleaned. While looking around I sat on the fluffy tan couch. The large TV dusted, the would floor mopped, the sliding glass doors spotless. I stood up and walked to the kitchen on the right. Nothing to clean here either.
I have already cleaned every inch of the small two story house. I should go out for a change I thought. Kris’s bar is usually empty on Mondays. I could go see what Krista is doing. Yeah, I haven’t seen her for a while. I walked down the hall to my bedroom, went around my king size bed to the large walk in closet. I rummaged around for a while and decided on the usual tank top and jeans.
I threw on the purple sleeveless shirt and blue jeans, ran a brush through my long dark blond hair. I didn’t want it to look like I was trying to impress anyone, just wanted a change of scenery. I ran down the steep stairs, grabbed my keys, and checked my appearance in the tall mirror. My green eyes had dark circles around them which made them look exotic. My full lips were bright red and my cheeks were a light shade of pink which set off my pale face wonderfully. Wow I look good. Smiling I turned and went out the front door.
My car was parked in the gravel drive on the right side of the white house I inherited from my parents when they passed away 4 years ago after the horrible accident.
I usually have a horrible time when I go out but tonight will different. I will ignore all of the assholes while having a drink or two. Then I will drive back home take a shower, crawl into my bed and drift off to a dreamless sleep. Well that is my plan.
I started my car, turned up the radio, and drove down my long drive to the main road. There were few cars, all driving the opposite direction I was going. I pulled onto the street and drove 5 scenic blocks to the bar.
I pulled into the Kris’s Bar and found a place close to the front to park. I neatly got out of the car and looked around. There were a few cars outside the rustic bar. Good not too may people. I slowly walked up to the front door and took a deep breath. Well here I go. I swung open the heavy door and walked inside looking around, it was like walking into an old western movie. 5 out of the 15 ancient tables were filled, and sitting at the short bar was a dark man looking down at his drink. I wove my to the other end of the bar and sat down thinking about what I wanted to drink.
Krista the owner of the bar smiled and waved signaling she would be with me in a minute. I grabbed my purse rummaged around and found a ten dollar bill. Krista was there when I looked up.
“What can I get you?” Krista asked with a smile.
“Um, a Screwdriver?”
“Sure just a sec.” She turned around and started mixing my drink with a little hop to her step. Looking over her sholder she asked. “Alice, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“Oh!” Surprised she was talking to me. “I haven’t been up to much lately. Just got tired of sitting around the house.”
“That sucks, well you have a date?” She observed. Acting like our argument the other day didn’t happen.
“Nope sorry,” I paused then added, “What have you been up to?”
“Just work. Oh hey, did you hear about Jake Lessly?” Her eyebrows rose and the corners of her lips twitched.
“Nope.”
“He got into a big fight with his girlfriend, he ended up in the hospital.” Krista replied eager to tell me the new town gossip.
“What? How did that happen?” More surprised then I thought I would be.
“I hear that Bell walked in on him with another woman. And instead of getting pissed at the chick, she beat the **** out of him,” She laughed. “He has a broken arm, two broken ribs, and his collar bone is fractured.”
Asked by:Sandra P
A story should start with one or more of the following elements:
1) Compelling action or dialogue (or both) that sets up a question(s) in the reader’s mind that may not be answered for several chapters.
2) Set a ticking clock in motion where a short term goal must be reached or dire consequences will happen.
3) Foreshadow dire events for the POV character.
4) Clearly state the POV character’s story goal so we can root for them to succeed.
Right now you have a blow by blow information dump that doesn’t include any of those elements so it really doesn’t make me want to read on. There is nothing compelling about cleaning a house and going to a bar.
It’s got the spirit but the body is a little awkward.
- A couple of typos, misspellings, and grammar flaws. Run it through a spell-checker and read it through a couple of times to polish a piece. Some syntax, like extra commas and missing semicolons.
- Some context? When I read about her getting dressed, I sort of became confused as to if she was cleaning the house ***** or something odd like that. I didn’t realize she was a woman until the bartender called her by name. I thought of bruises when I heard her describing ‘dark circles’ around her eyes.
- Tense issues. Sometimes it’s done, sometimes it’s have done, sometimes it’s will do. Unless the narrator thinks like that, I’d choose one (done) and stick to it.